Okay, I never planned on having a blog. Don't get me wrong…I love supplying endless commentary on the day-to-day happenings of the rich, famous, lame, not-so-famous, and also my idiot friends. The reason is, I really am the expert on almost everything. You'll find out soon enough. But that doesn't mean I wanted to sit down and write all my genius musings down. Mostly because I didn't want all of you out there (all three of you) to nitpick my impeccable grammar and astute observations. Nevertheless, I have been asked to provide some content for the amazing endeavor that is Bakelite Lanugo, and who am I to deny such a request? So to begin, a little about me:

•  I spend an embarrassing amount of time watching the Food Network. But I am not indiscriminate about it. If it involves Emeril, keep it off my television. Same goes for Bobby Flay, with the exception of Iron Chef America, but that is only because our very favorite, Alton Brown, hosts.

•  I really love St. Louis. I hate when people get all uppity about how great the East or West Coast is and how cultureless the Midwest is. I have recently spent a wonderful vacation in Seattle and yeah, it is the shit. And yes, people in the Midwest are prone to wearing denim vests with floral appliqués and Tazmanian Devil t-shirts. But St. Louis fucking rocks. Come visit. There's more than the arch and some sports teams. Great food, great music scene, beautiful parks, lots of historical homes and buildings. It's worth the trip.

•  I know more than you about pop culture trivia. I gloat over the fact that I know that Vitamin C played Amber von Tussle in John Waters' Hairspray (and by the way, this is the only version that counts). And don't pretend like you didn't just Google or Wikipedia it to check the accuracy of that assertion. Go ahead. I am right. Anyway, I have so much of this trivia stored in my head that it is impossible for me to make room for less useful facts, like who is the current Speaker of the House or what continent we are on. Luckily Vh1 has decided that my brand of trivia knowledge is important and that is why my friends Jessica and Alicia and I are going to wipe the floor with those nerds when the World Series of Pop Culture comes back next year. You can say you knew me when.

•  Okra is gross. Food with the ability to be the consistency of snot is not actually food. Enough said.

•  These are the words I hate: panties, moist, and patty. They are gross-sounding words.

•  Here's what you should never do: tell people what your least favorite words are. Why, you ask? Well, if you come from a family of smartasses like I do, and if your friends are a bunch of dickweeds like mine are, you will shortly be inundated with the following: “Hey Rachael! Patty's got some MOIST panties!!!” I am surrounded by intelligent, thoughtful, mature people.

•  Here's who sucks: George Bush, people who wear fanny packs, people who collect Beanie Babies, Ty Pennington, Sandra Lee, Oprah-following zombies, ANNE FUCKING COULTER, people who protest outside Planned Parenthood and the like, people who mispronounce the word “nuclear”, anyone who owns a Hummer, and that one girl from high school who slept with all the guys who I liked or respected and made me not respect them anymore. You know who you are, and I still know your name. I won't list it here. My computer might erupt in flames.

•  I love my husband.

That's as much as you need to know about me for now. It's at least enough for you to figure out how to break into my Neopets account and drain my poor Aisha of all of her Neopoints. Or how to harass me incessantly by email. This should be fun. I love having more outlets for my snark.